Genre: Satire, Humor. A version of this original piece appears in the Sappho's Salon "Fake Open Mic" zine 6/21/20
Invitation to 1st Date: Strike up a conversation with your intended, you can do it! Invite them to an activity or to a nice dinner.
Planning the 2nd Date: Deploy your flashiest carrier pigeon for this job. Fortune favors the bold.
Prior to Date 3: Text only in Regency, Shakespearean or Chaucerian English. Try to pick one and stick with it, but let's be honest you'll start out in one and end up in another. This is forgivable.*
Before Date 4: Sacrifice a smelt fish together and consult its entrails for guidance.
Before Date 5: Switch from texting to phone conversations, be flirtatious!
Before Date 6: Discuss your skin-shedding cycle and its dark, beautiful intricacies. Cheerfully offer to add this recurring event to your intended's calendar.
Before Date 7: Send a fun hand-decorated postcard. Old-school mail is so romantic!
Before Date 8: "Date Eight" rhymes-- knit a scarf of human hair together, to block insidious spirits. This does not count as a date.
Before Date 9: Send a cute snapchat of your pet, or of a fresh hot dish you just cooked. Don't be afraid to show off what makes you unique!
Before Date 10: Confess that you are a bog witch.
Before Date 11: Talk about organizing a fun group outing, it is important to get to know each other's close friends!
Before Date 12: Do not discuss the Poison Curse until it is definitely too late.
*For the record, sexting comes rather late in the dating rules, so I'd advise against it until at least dates 25-27, though there are exceptions for circumstances involving an Act of God(s), like a blood hurricane or Lich attack.
Planning the 2nd Date: Deploy your flashiest carrier pigeon for this job. Fortune favors the bold.
Prior to Date 3: Text only in Regency, Shakespearean or Chaucerian English. Try to pick one and stick with it, but let's be honest you'll start out in one and end up in another. This is forgivable.*
Before Date 4: Sacrifice a smelt fish together and consult its entrails for guidance.
Before Date 5: Switch from texting to phone conversations, be flirtatious!
Before Date 6: Discuss your skin-shedding cycle and its dark, beautiful intricacies. Cheerfully offer to add this recurring event to your intended's calendar.
Before Date 7: Send a fun hand-decorated postcard. Old-school mail is so romantic!
Before Date 8: "Date Eight" rhymes-- knit a scarf of human hair together, to block insidious spirits. This does not count as a date.
Before Date 9: Send a cute snapchat of your pet, or of a fresh hot dish you just cooked. Don't be afraid to show off what makes you unique!
Before Date 10: Confess that you are a bog witch.
Before Date 11: Talk about organizing a fun group outing, it is important to get to know each other's close friends!
Before Date 12: Do not discuss the Poison Curse until it is definitely too late.
*For the record, sexting comes rather late in the dating rules, so I'd advise against it until at least dates 25-27, though there are exceptions for circumstances involving an Act of God(s), like a blood hurricane or Lich attack.
RSS Feed
