Paper Machete 12.14.13
Commentary topic: Over-the-top Public Marriage Proposals
*Includes changes made by hand day-of.
Audio podcast of the show is here. You can listen instead of read it and hear some other great pieces, too!
Commentary topic: Over-the-top Public Marriage Proposals
*Includes changes made by hand day-of.
Audio podcast of the show is here. You can listen instead of read it and hear some other great pieces, too!
Can we talk about the goddamn over-the-top choreographed public marriage proposals? Because they are completely awkward bullshit.
CONGRATULATIONS, a lot of someones who are not YOU and not YOUR FIANCE put a bunch of time and effort into a single moment that won't matter at all 7 years down the road when all the color has drained from your marriage and neither of you are willing to put time or effort into anything, even the lonely, pitifully scheduled weeknight copulation.
The most recent embarrassment of accolades fell upon the shoulders of a guy who proposed to his cheerleader girlfriend while she was cheering a Bulls game. How in the holy hell does he get credit for this? Did HE dance his ass off on the court? Did HE choreograph the routine that the woman's fellow-LUVABULLS danced? No, all he did was beg a bunch of other people to do the work for him and then he got inside an inflatable Bulls costume, teetered out onto the court, revealed his identity and popped the question. In an interview, a reporter asked him why he decided to do it when and where he did. He said it was because 1) it was his birthday and 2) the Bulls were playing the Heat that night and he wanted to see LeBron James. So...basically...proposing was how he got tickets to the game.
Ok, but wait, she got something out of this, too, right? He proposed to her...AT HER PLACE OF WORK. This may be a wild guess, but most people aren't BFFs with their coworkers. They get along because they have no choice. So this guy decided to propose to his girlfriend while she’s working, in the intimacy of thousands of strangers and some lukewarm faux-friends, on company time *so that he can see LeBron James.*
Not to mention what he put his girlfriend through psychologically. What all proposers put their proposees through when they subject them to public spectacles like these. By placing your loved one in a situation where everyone knows what’s happening but them, you are putting them into a fight or flight mode. The only reason they stay in one place is because they're too terrified to leave, or because they're so confused that they have to rely on the people who are holding them in place—go back and look at how many videos show the proposee being physically handled by other people.
Why is there usually someone holding them? Because in some cases the proposee is so confused they have an involuntary need move, get to someplace where they feel...familiar? safe? Because what is happening at that moment is confusing--and until they can make sense of it they slap a frozen smile on their face and THEY ARE A LITTLE AFRAID, so apparently someone has to be on-hand to restrain them since they don’t know how happy they’re supposed to be.
The way things are trending, if your intended is not trapped in the throes of a full -on lung-collapsing heart-pounding, rainbow-vomiting panic attack, you haven't made their special day special enough. You’ll have to pitch your loved one head-long into an abyss of wobbling chaos and electric fear, so that they can appreciate how you’re about to promise to love them forever and ever.
The hubris--THE HUBRIS--of the over-the-top public display proposer. Real love doesn't look like Broadway, you motherfucker, and neither does real life. A proposal should be an amuse bouche, a hint of things to come. If you can’t even propose marriage in a way that sets a steady and accountable standard FOR your marriage, how are you going to handle the day-in, day-out of doing the dishes, of the weekend chore list, of trips to the goddamn Home Depot for supplies to fix the crown moulding. Nope, you just shove your boyfriend or girlfriend into a big ol’ SCARE BOX, fuck up their perception of reality for a hot second then ask them on the spot to make a life-altering decision, *in your favor* in front of strangers. If you need to live THAT BIG, the accumulation of minutiae that is marriage may not be for you.
But are you committed and determined to go through with this stunt anyway? Can you not live without the SECONDS of youtube fame, and contributing to the empty lie that says real life can be just like the movies?
www.engagements inc.com WILL HELP YOU. They’ll help make sure that you succeed in a 100% worthless gesture that you can lord over your spouse for years to come, and especially on nights when they don't feel like going down on you. Their team of experts could situate you both at the precipice of the Grand Canyon, watching Cirque du Soleil acrobats to do triple back-handsprings off of purple zeppelins, spewing un-biodegradable glitter confetti from surgically-created holes in their chests! Parachuting down into the canyon, they’ll halloo your intended's name to the reverberate cliffs in adorable French-Canadian accents, then shed their parachutes to engage in a Thunderdome fight to the death in the belly of the gorge below: makeup smearing, unitards ripping, limb cracking from limb, joints splintering, gouts of blood spilling onto the sacred floor of mother earth, a wide-eyed abomination of the birth and death of the will to live, HERE...at this moment...this is it! Bend your knee! Remove the slightly fuzzy box from your pocket, and as your partner screeches in horror at the savage display of torn flesh below, questioning every truth they thought they knew, whisper those sweet words, yeeeeeah! You did it!!! YOU made this happen!! ITS ALL PERFECT!!! YOU’RE PEEERRRRFFFEEECCCTTTT!!!!!
Maybe, if you can’t imagine asking that special him or her if they’d like to marry you in… the quiet hours of an evening--while you’re both winding down from a day at work, or in the contented morning of a Sunday breakfast that is just the two of you...maybe if you can’t imagine asking them when it is just you two… maybe… it means you’re scared of what they’ll say.
Guy at the bulls game? He didn’t make that proposal a happy one. No propos-ER makes the proposal a happy one. The flash mobs, the dancers, the scavenger hunts, the Peter Pan, Harry Potter or Scott Pilgrim costumes…ok those are pretty amazing but they don’t do that either, the friends and family, the crowds of strangers, HELL, not even www.Engagementsinc.com can make that happen. You know who makes a proposal a positive experience? The person who says “yes.” Because nothing you can do can make it a positive experience if your partner isn't ready, so maybe time would be better invested by focusing on the relationship instead of a limping pageant of self-serving exhibitionism you unimaginative asshole.
OH but if it means you’ll get to see LeBron James…BY ALL MEANS.
CONGRATULATIONS, a lot of someones who are not YOU and not YOUR FIANCE put a bunch of time and effort into a single moment that won't matter at all 7 years down the road when all the color has drained from your marriage and neither of you are willing to put time or effort into anything, even the lonely, pitifully scheduled weeknight copulation.
The most recent embarrassment of accolades fell upon the shoulders of a guy who proposed to his cheerleader girlfriend while she was cheering a Bulls game. How in the holy hell does he get credit for this? Did HE dance his ass off on the court? Did HE choreograph the routine that the woman's fellow-LUVABULLS danced? No, all he did was beg a bunch of other people to do the work for him and then he got inside an inflatable Bulls costume, teetered out onto the court, revealed his identity and popped the question. In an interview, a reporter asked him why he decided to do it when and where he did. He said it was because 1) it was his birthday and 2) the Bulls were playing the Heat that night and he wanted to see LeBron James. So...basically...proposing was how he got tickets to the game.
Ok, but wait, she got something out of this, too, right? He proposed to her...AT HER PLACE OF WORK. This may be a wild guess, but most people aren't BFFs with their coworkers. They get along because they have no choice. So this guy decided to propose to his girlfriend while she’s working, in the intimacy of thousands of strangers and some lukewarm faux-friends, on company time *so that he can see LeBron James.*
Not to mention what he put his girlfriend through psychologically. What all proposers put their proposees through when they subject them to public spectacles like these. By placing your loved one in a situation where everyone knows what’s happening but them, you are putting them into a fight or flight mode. The only reason they stay in one place is because they're too terrified to leave, or because they're so confused that they have to rely on the people who are holding them in place—go back and look at how many videos show the proposee being physically handled by other people.
Why is there usually someone holding them? Because in some cases the proposee is so confused they have an involuntary need move, get to someplace where they feel...familiar? safe? Because what is happening at that moment is confusing--and until they can make sense of it they slap a frozen smile on their face and THEY ARE A LITTLE AFRAID, so apparently someone has to be on-hand to restrain them since they don’t know how happy they’re supposed to be.
The way things are trending, if your intended is not trapped in the throes of a full -on lung-collapsing heart-pounding, rainbow-vomiting panic attack, you haven't made their special day special enough. You’ll have to pitch your loved one head-long into an abyss of wobbling chaos and electric fear, so that they can appreciate how you’re about to promise to love them forever and ever.
The hubris--THE HUBRIS--of the over-the-top public display proposer. Real love doesn't look like Broadway, you motherfucker, and neither does real life. A proposal should be an amuse bouche, a hint of things to come. If you can’t even propose marriage in a way that sets a steady and accountable standard FOR your marriage, how are you going to handle the day-in, day-out of doing the dishes, of the weekend chore list, of trips to the goddamn Home Depot for supplies to fix the crown moulding. Nope, you just shove your boyfriend or girlfriend into a big ol’ SCARE BOX, fuck up their perception of reality for a hot second then ask them on the spot to make a life-altering decision, *in your favor* in front of strangers. If you need to live THAT BIG, the accumulation of minutiae that is marriage may not be for you.
But are you committed and determined to go through with this stunt anyway? Can you not live without the SECONDS of youtube fame, and contributing to the empty lie that says real life can be just like the movies?
www.engagements inc.com WILL HELP YOU. They’ll help make sure that you succeed in a 100% worthless gesture that you can lord over your spouse for years to come, and especially on nights when they don't feel like going down on you. Their team of experts could situate you both at the precipice of the Grand Canyon, watching Cirque du Soleil acrobats to do triple back-handsprings off of purple zeppelins, spewing un-biodegradable glitter confetti from surgically-created holes in their chests! Parachuting down into the canyon, they’ll halloo your intended's name to the reverberate cliffs in adorable French-Canadian accents, then shed their parachutes to engage in a Thunderdome fight to the death in the belly of the gorge below: makeup smearing, unitards ripping, limb cracking from limb, joints splintering, gouts of blood spilling onto the sacred floor of mother earth, a wide-eyed abomination of the birth and death of the will to live, HERE...at this moment...this is it! Bend your knee! Remove the slightly fuzzy box from your pocket, and as your partner screeches in horror at the savage display of torn flesh below, questioning every truth they thought they knew, whisper those sweet words, yeeeeeah! You did it!!! YOU made this happen!! ITS ALL PERFECT!!! YOU’RE PEEERRRRFFFEEECCCTTTT!!!!!
Maybe, if you can’t imagine asking that special him or her if they’d like to marry you in… the quiet hours of an evening--while you’re both winding down from a day at work, or in the contented morning of a Sunday breakfast that is just the two of you...maybe if you can’t imagine asking them when it is just you two… maybe… it means you’re scared of what they’ll say.
Guy at the bulls game? He didn’t make that proposal a happy one. No propos-ER makes the proposal a happy one. The flash mobs, the dancers, the scavenger hunts, the Peter Pan, Harry Potter or Scott Pilgrim costumes…ok those are pretty amazing but they don’t do that either, the friends and family, the crowds of strangers, HELL, not even www.Engagementsinc.com can make that happen. You know who makes a proposal a positive experience? The person who says “yes.” Because nothing you can do can make it a positive experience if your partner isn't ready, so maybe time would be better invested by focusing on the relationship instead of a limping pageant of self-serving exhibitionism you unimaginative asshole.
OH but if it means you’ll get to see LeBron James…BY ALL MEANS.
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