*I regret to inform you that this one is a "you really had to be there" piece, since this was written around a character. So the performance was arguably 80% portrayal, and the remainder was the script. But I'll tell you what. This piece got me one of my favorite complements, ever. The comic who went up after me said "How am I supposed to follow someone who just murdered you all without saying. anything. in English!?" Y'all, I died of happy.
Paper Machete 7/27/19: Le Tour de France
As the character “Your High School French Teacher”, this piece is delivered as a French class, complete with call & response expected from the audience. Emphases retained for delivery's sake.
*Enter, singing to the tune of “Bicycle Race” by Queen, wearing a biking helmet, miming riding a bicycle*:
Biiii-cyclette! Biiii-cyclette! b!-cyclette!!!
Je veux fai-re ma bicyclette,
Je veux faire mon vélo.
Je veux fai-re ma bicyclette,
Je veux fai-re le tour de Fraaaaaance.
*mimes ringing bicycle bell* Tsing-tsing!
*Dismounts*
Bonjour Class! DITEZ MOI: “bonjour madame” <audience response>
Au jour'dhui, le leçon est: Tout des Bicyclettes!
ALORS! *gestures to mimed bicycle* Voici MA bicyclette!
Une bicyclette, ou un vélo, c'est le meme choses, n'est-ce pas? Tu comprenez? <audience response>
Voici MA bicyclette! *gestures to mimed bicycle*
Voici MON vélo! *gestures to mimed bicycle*
Bicyclette, vélo,
Vèlo, bicyclette
C'est la meme choses.
DITEZ MOI:
LA BICYCLETTE <audience response>
LE VÉLO <audience response>
FRANCAIS!!!
Voici ma clochette! <tsing tsing!!> *mimes ringing bicycle bell*
Voici ma klaxon! <eh-hnk!> *mimes squeezing rubber bulb of a bicycle horn*
DITEZ MOI:
LA CLOCHETTE <audience response> <tsing tsing!!>
LE KLAXON <audience response> <eh-hnk!>
Tres bien!
*Reveals sports water bottle prop* Voici ma bidon! PAS DE LA BIDET!!!! NON, NON, NON!
*Points to bicycle helmet* Voici mon casque!
Ce’st un casque du Amontillado? <slowly growing desperate for "student" audience response> NON!
Cest un casque pour la tete? OUI!
DITEZ MOI:
LE CASQUE! <audience response>
LA BIDON! <audience response>
*heaves a sigh of relief, as if her job is safe for one more day* FRANCAIS!!!
MAINTENANT!
Pour faire la bicyclette a un competition, c'est un sport.
Quest-ce que çe "un sport"? <desperate for an answer from a typically uninterested high school class> Personne!?
Un Sport! <mimes tennis>
Un Sport! <mimes basketball>
Un Sport! <mimes golf> eh, comme ci, comme ca un sport...
Pour faire la bicyclette a une competition, c'est un sport. Et la grande competition de velo
… c'est quoi?
<overcompensates for audience response, desperately happy that someone in the "class" is following>
Tres bien, vous avez raison, c'est le Tour de Fraaaaaaaance!
<doubles over and whispers to self in English>
"It's ok, it's ok, you're only one year away from being fully vested, you can do this!"
Le Tour de France, c’est une competition tres LONG. *throws arms wide* Pas de court *shows hands close together*, comme le vision de Rahm Immanuel qui ferme notres ecoles. Pas de court, comme le attencion de la Presidente Stupide. Heh he. Non! Le Tour de France, il est loooong.
Le Tour de France est vingt-deux-cent miles. Vingt-deux, Quest-ce que çe?
Personne?
<more desperate> Personne?
<Oh god> Personne?
<passive-aggressively reviewing day 1 of French class>
OK, repetez a moi: <counts off on fingers along with audience response>
Un
Deux
Trois
Quatre
Cinq
Six
Sept
Huit
Neuf
Dix
Onze
Douze
Treize
Quatorze
Quinze
Seize
Dix-sept
Dix-huit
Dix-neuf--<yells at a fictional student>pas de la "Deez Nuts" STEVEN!!
Vingt
Vingt-et-un
Vingt-deux
******QU’ESCE QUE C’EST: VINGT-DEUX!!!******
<exasperated, in English> IT’S TWENTY-TWO HUNDRED MILES LONG. JFC, people, that was day one of class, DAY. ONE!
ALORS! Et Le competition dure vingt-trois jours!
******QU’ESCE QUE C’EST: VINGT-TROIS!!!******
VINGT-TROIS JOURS!!!
COMBIEN EN ENGLAIS?? <hopefully someone in audience yells out 23 DAYS>
<back to being a teacher>
SACRE BLEU!! FAIRE DU BICYCLETTE POUR VINGT-TROIS JOUR, ET POUR VINGT-DEUX CENT MILES?!?!?!
<With mounting exhaustion, mimes each of the below>
FAIRER LA CASQUE!!
FAIRER LA BICYCLETTE!!
FAIRER LE VELO!!
FAIRER LA CLOCHETTE!! <TSING TSING>
FAIRER LE KLAXON! <EHN-HINK>
FAIRER LE BIDON! --<wags finger> PAS D'UN BIDEEEETT!!
<pulls out prop money to "make it rain", and a fake brick of cocaine>
***FAIRER L’ARGENTS POUR LES DROGUES
ET POUR LES BONBONS DU NEZ***
FAIRER LE CONCENTRACION!!
ET DANS LE FINIS
FAIRER LE CASQUE, ET VOMIR!! *mimes vomiting into helmet as if having bicycled until ill*
LA TOUR DE FRAAAAAAANCE!! EN FRANCAIS!!!
<exits on "bicycle">
Paper Machete 7/27/19: Le Tour de France
As the character “Your High School French Teacher”, this piece is delivered as a French class, complete with call & response expected from the audience. Emphases retained for delivery's sake.
*Enter, singing to the tune of “Bicycle Race” by Queen, wearing a biking helmet, miming riding a bicycle*:
Biiii-cyclette! Biiii-cyclette! b!-cyclette!!!
Je veux fai-re ma bicyclette,
Je veux faire mon vélo.
Je veux fai-re ma bicyclette,
Je veux fai-re le tour de Fraaaaaance.
*mimes ringing bicycle bell* Tsing-tsing!
*Dismounts*
Bonjour Class! DITEZ MOI: “bonjour madame” <audience response>
Au jour'dhui, le leçon est: Tout des Bicyclettes!
ALORS! *gestures to mimed bicycle* Voici MA bicyclette!
Une bicyclette, ou un vélo, c'est le meme choses, n'est-ce pas? Tu comprenez? <audience response>
Voici MA bicyclette! *gestures to mimed bicycle*
Voici MON vélo! *gestures to mimed bicycle*
Bicyclette, vélo,
Vèlo, bicyclette
C'est la meme choses.
DITEZ MOI:
LA BICYCLETTE <audience response>
LE VÉLO <audience response>
FRANCAIS!!!
Voici ma clochette! <tsing tsing!!> *mimes ringing bicycle bell*
Voici ma klaxon! <eh-hnk!> *mimes squeezing rubber bulb of a bicycle horn*
DITEZ MOI:
LA CLOCHETTE <audience response> <tsing tsing!!>
LE KLAXON <audience response> <eh-hnk!>
Tres bien!
*Reveals sports water bottle prop* Voici ma bidon! PAS DE LA BIDET!!!! NON, NON, NON!
*Points to bicycle helmet* Voici mon casque!
Ce’st un casque du Amontillado? <slowly growing desperate for "student" audience response> NON!
Cest un casque pour la tete? OUI!
DITEZ MOI:
LE CASQUE! <audience response>
LA BIDON! <audience response>
*heaves a sigh of relief, as if her job is safe for one more day* FRANCAIS!!!
MAINTENANT!
Pour faire la bicyclette a un competition, c'est un sport.
Quest-ce que çe "un sport"? <desperate for an answer from a typically uninterested high school class> Personne!?
Un Sport! <mimes tennis>
Un Sport! <mimes basketball>
Un Sport! <mimes golf> eh, comme ci, comme ca un sport...
Pour faire la bicyclette a une competition, c'est un sport. Et la grande competition de velo
… c'est quoi?
<overcompensates for audience response, desperately happy that someone in the "class" is following>
Tres bien, vous avez raison, c'est le Tour de Fraaaaaaaance!
<doubles over and whispers to self in English>
"It's ok, it's ok, you're only one year away from being fully vested, you can do this!"
Le Tour de France, c’est une competition tres LONG. *throws arms wide* Pas de court *shows hands close together*, comme le vision de Rahm Immanuel qui ferme notres ecoles. Pas de court, comme le attencion de la Presidente Stupide. Heh he. Non! Le Tour de France, il est loooong.
Le Tour de France est vingt-deux-cent miles. Vingt-deux, Quest-ce que çe?
Personne?
<more desperate> Personne?
<Oh god> Personne?
<passive-aggressively reviewing day 1 of French class>
OK, repetez a moi: <counts off on fingers along with audience response>
Un
Deux
Trois
Quatre
Cinq
Six
Sept
Huit
Neuf
Dix
Onze
Douze
Treize
Quatorze
Quinze
Seize
Dix-sept
Dix-huit
Dix-neuf--<yells at a fictional student>pas de la "Deez Nuts" STEVEN!!
Vingt
Vingt-et-un
Vingt-deux
******QU’ESCE QUE C’EST: VINGT-DEUX!!!******
<exasperated, in English> IT’S TWENTY-TWO HUNDRED MILES LONG. JFC, people, that was day one of class, DAY. ONE!
ALORS! Et Le competition dure vingt-trois jours!
******QU’ESCE QUE C’EST: VINGT-TROIS!!!******
VINGT-TROIS JOURS!!!
COMBIEN EN ENGLAIS?? <hopefully someone in audience yells out 23 DAYS>
<back to being a teacher>
SACRE BLEU!! FAIRE DU BICYCLETTE POUR VINGT-TROIS JOUR, ET POUR VINGT-DEUX CENT MILES?!?!?!
<With mounting exhaustion, mimes each of the below>
FAIRER LA CASQUE!!
FAIRER LA BICYCLETTE!!
FAIRER LE VELO!!
FAIRER LA CLOCHETTE!! <TSING TSING>
FAIRER LE KLAXON! <EHN-HINK>
FAIRER LE BIDON! --<wags finger> PAS D'UN BIDEEEETT!!
<pulls out prop money to "make it rain", and a fake brick of cocaine>
***FAIRER L’ARGENTS POUR LES DROGUES
ET POUR LES BONBONS DU NEZ***
FAIRER LE CONCENTRACION!!
ET DANS LE FINIS
FAIRER LE CASQUE, ET VOMIR!! *mimes vomiting into helmet as if having bicycled until ill*
LA TOUR DE FRAAAAAAANCE!! EN FRANCAIS!!!
<exits on "bicycle">
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